New Year 2016: Report cards of Premier League teams at half-way mark

Arsenal lead the points table on the New Years’ Eve. (Source: Reuters)

As the extended Boxing Day weekend schedule comes to an end, so does exactly half the EPL season. And well, it easily has been one of the most tumultuous in EPL history, with the manager of the champions getting the sack, the team at the bottom of the table at this time last year being near the top this time around, and a number of relatively lesser known names on top of the goal scoring charts. Putting it all down in one regular piece So we decided to slip into the Principal’s room, and sat down to put down the grades and reports for the clubs’ performance until the half-season. In alphabetical order.

Arsenal: A-

“Needs to change its name to ‘hospital’ given number of injuries. Did well in patches, but needs to work on consistency. Fluctuates more wildly than the stock market on an annual results day. Serious work needed on fitness, on and off the field. Right now their lack of consistency is a pain in the Arsene to their Wenger.”

Aston Villa: D –

“Two coaches, one win, eight points. Bad defence, mediocre midfield, occasionally decent attack. Only scope for improvement. Coach Rene needs to be on Garde! ’Nuff said.”

Bournemouth: B

“Had expected to be a backbencher but has been surprisingly energetic. Needs to blend sense with enthusiasm – its commitment to attack at times leaves it exposed at the back. Could stay up and even challenge for top ten if it can add a dash of caution to its dash. ”

Chelsea: D –

“From class topper to backbencher. Has become a case study for bad press conferences and an inspiration for clubs with small budgets (as it has proved that money cannot buy success this year). Needs something special. Without the Special One.”

Crystal Palace: A

“Surprise performer. Excellent aggressive instincts, but needs to shore up midfield and defence to continue fine run. If it does, could finish in the top five. Alan has been more than Par(dew) for the course for this Palace.”

Everton: B

“A classic case of doing most things right, but at the wrong time. Should find itself back in the top ten by the end of the season and even in Europe if Lukaku keeps looking good, but cannot afford to be careless at the back, else that is exactly where it will find itself – at the back.

Leicester City: A+

“The star of the class easily. Easily the most effective attack so far with head boys Riyad Mahrez and Jamie Vardy. Needs to stay healthy and level headed to finish close to the top, win a trip to Europe and consolidate status as surprise packet of the year.”

Liverpool: B-

“Klopp-ed into the top ten but was royally Rodger-ed at the beginning of the term. Has drive and enthusiasm and great history, but perhaps needs a reshuffle of personnel if it want to challenge for a trip to Europe next season.”

Manchester City: A –

“Has done reasonably well. But needs to do so much better when you consider the potential and talent at its disposal. A good run could see it at the top of the class. A bad run could see it with a new manager. Should make it to Europe nevertheless.”

Manchester United: B-

“In India, we would say ’ye kya Gaal bana rakha hai, kuchh lete kyun nahin,” (why are you in this condition? Why don’t you take something?). Strangest person in class. Tops occasionally. Insists nothing is wrong when things are clearly wrong. Needs better management to achieve undoubted potential. Or maybe even a spot of Martial law!”

Newcastle: C+

“It is a fine line that separates the Toons from the Cartoons. Has improved after a bad start but needs to do a more to stay up and not slip into football kindergarten. Transfer market moves might help matters. Else, it is back to the docks!”

Norwich: B –

“Seemed like an overachiever initially but has slipped into bad manners and bad company. Needs to tighten up on work rate and defence, else it could be a battle to avoid the drop rather than get into the top ten by the end of the season.”

Southampton: C+

“You never know what is going to happen with this one. Can be amazing. Can be silly. Has potential to be much higher than where it actually is, but seems to be confused. Perhaps some management therapy could help.”

Stoke City: B+

“Has picked up after a bad start and in Xherdan Shaqiri has a rare talent. Could well end up challenging for Europe by the end of the season if it plays cards right. Well organised and energetic at present.”

Sunderland: D

“Seems to have reached the stage when a good result is a bigger shock than a bad one. Has able manager and very passionate supporters but seems curiously disorganised at the back. Will have to fight tooth and nail to avoid demotion. That said, it can fight tooth and nail, based on past experience.”

Swansea: C+

“Losing the Young Monk does not seem to have stopped fans from taking to the old (and alcohol-based) one. Capable of sporadic brilliance and consistent inconsistency. Needs severe dose of discipline to stay up or else could be in another class next year – a lower one!”

Tottenham Hotspur: A

Watford: A+

“As pleasant a surprise as Leicester. Hard working and enthusiastic, and getting the fruits of its hard work. Needs to stay focused on basics and not get burdened by European expectations – it could make it to Europe with the right mix of results.

West Bromwich Albion: C+

“It might have Pulis at the wheel, but it is definitely not policing the opposition the way it should. Far too many errors of judgement are tripping up its normal, automaton-like efficiency. Could need a severe debugging, or else Pulis could lose his cap…and his head.”

West Ham United: A

“A great example of sticking to the basics. Not super talented but well organised and very hard working, and as a result has Hammered teams more often than being Hammered. Europe could have a Hamburger on its menu from England next year if this continues.”